Parenting Truth 292: The White One.

Parenting Truth #292: White clothes will only be white for a few minutes. Take a picture.

Found a white Polo shirt and some white pants in the drawer. I know I didn't buy
them and they have probably been handed down from 2-3 families of boys who never wore them, so I figured... what the hell? We'll treat it like a science experiment. He's a blank slate for stains, dirt and food! Might as well use them now instead of handing them to another boy who will keep them in a drawer and then give them away. I took some pictures to memorialize the moment of whiteness though.

Learning through Gardening

More pearls of Wisdom from the garden this week: 

#1: Regarding Dirt. 
"You didn't want Link to eat the dirt yesterday because it's potty soil right?"
"No, kiddo, it's Potting Spoil."
"Oh, hahaha! Good because no one want to put their hands in potty soil! Right?" 

#2: Regarding Clothes
"When you say someone has bare arms, it's because they don't have any clothes on their arms, right? 
"Yes" 
"They say that because bears don't wear any clothes don't they?"
"Well, that's a goog observation, but no there are two words bear and bare... and that conversation went around in circles for the next 10 minutes"

Down and Dirty

During gardening yesterday, I had J Bean helping by digging a hole in the corner of the garden and putting dirt in buckets which I could use in other areas as we were planting. It was mainly busy work. and I also had a huge bag of potting soil I was using. At one point, I asked J Bean to bring me some dirt and she said, "I'm gonna go get you some clean dirt out of the bag instead of this."

I told her that was fine, but "all dirt is dirty. That's why they call it dirt." Then again, I would have been happier if Link had eaten a handful of the "clean" dirt rather than a the stuff off the ground where I see rabbits and rats every night I step out there. Ewww. I literally sprayed his mouth out with the hose, he was not a fan.

NPR Shedding Some More Light on Stay Home Fathers.

This article came out on NPR today. Give it a read, my reaction is below.

I didn't like the notion that for the past 150 years men have been trained not to spot dirt or care for a child while women have been. The pressures and social expectations still exist, but "training" has changed dramatically over the past 30 years (if not, I probably wouldn't be doing what I'm doing). I had some exposure to care-giving as an adolescent and knew plenty of involved Dads growing up. As far as I know, Vv never took a Home Ec class, so I'm not so sure the gender pigeon-holing of the previous century was nearly as confining as they make it sound in the article (at least not for everyone). That is not to say there isn't plenty of room for improvement, but I don't feel like a "pioneer" in my role.

The NPR articles is certainly not the worst exposure for SAHD's and some of the common complaints of At Home Dads are addressed. It is always good to help others understand the effect of familial expectations, societal pressure, and misperceptions regarding any Dad with kids in public being part of a social experiment or a rare "Daddy Day." That was the biggest learning experience for me, because I never thought I would get the insight as a heterosexual white male into the experience of a minority. Certainly SAHD (stay at home Dad's), at least the those of us who are white guys belonging to a middle income or higher brackets, can't compare our problems to other minorities and I certainly don't mean to imply we could/should. Being shunned by a group of Mom's, sneered at by "manly men," or mistaken for a bumbling idiot on occasion doesn't compare in any meaningful way to what I would call true marginalization and doesn't approach any level of oppression. It's a pain in the ass not to have a changing station in the men's bathrooms in many places and its annoying to see Dads in media portrayed in the tired, stereotypical "Mr Mom" way, but we do still get to vote and be married, so we've got that going for us.

With that said, just the "taste of being different" brought about an increase in empathy and the understanding I feel around minority, LGBT, gender and women's issues. It's like the whole "simulated childbirth" thing they can do to men now. It still doesn't really scratch the surface of the experience, but certainly gives you a moment in the shoes of another's experience. To me, the insight in this area is going to translate to my children's perception of the world and gender in particular. I like to think that the children of at-home Dads are going to grow up to be some of the most interesting trailblazers in a generation that will challenge all the ideas of "Man" and "Woman." I'm proud of that.

I addressed the contentment/satisfaction issue mentioned in this story within my own article at the Good Men Project.

I hope what I illustrated in that piece is that for men and women, full-time child caregiver is a career and can be just as engaging as any other with rewards that fall short monetarily but are incredibly fulfilling emotionally. There is no doubt, however, that the unique situation brings about unexpected stressors in relationships. Fortunately, those are also accompanied by unexpected benefits. Men's experience in the stay home role often has a lot to do with how they accept it and approach it, which is often a product of how they came to the role whether accidental, forced by unemployment or if it was a voluntary and deliberate decision as mine and many others' was. I love what I do and I'm good at it, to me that's the most important aspect.

Let your Middle Finger do the Walking.

Rant of the day: Why the hell do they still make phone books and why do I need one delivered to my doorstep every 3 weeks? We're supposed to be saving the environment, preventing deforestation and cutting back on fossil fuel use but this whole industry cuts down untold numbers of trees, spews pollutants to make them then delivers the heavy things all over the country and all over the neighborhood just so 99% of the people can walk it to their garbage (or recycling at least, if we're lucky). Stop it! I don't even have a landline! Like I'm going to put my phone down and go look for the phonebook when I could just look it up right there, or on the computer or call information in the rare instance I'm without internet service (and are you going to have your phonebook with you if you have no internet service?). Seriously. What do the Ad people tell their advertisers that makes them believe this is an important aspect of their marketing plan? I mean, if you aren't in the REAL Yellow Pages you don't exist!? Well, except you do on Google... ever heard of it? Shove your 50 pound book where the sun don't shine, I've got all the kindling I need for this year! Better yet, come to my house and let me clock you in the head with it until you take me off whatever "we hate the environment and love pointless products list" you have me on! Ask people if they want it, if they do give it to them. If not... oh well if not, you wouldn't be able to make that ad money off the schmucks who think no one can find out they install gutters if they're not in the yellow pages. End rant. I can probably go to Pinterest and find out how great the pages are for paper mache or something... as if. I only make art with Cheetos (Cheetos are nutritionally sound and environmentally friendly right?) <facepalm>

Update: On Facebook, a reader pointed out there is a website for opting out of the phone book delivery, which I really liked the sound of. I looked into it and it was created by the Yellow Pages Association (where they presumably hold regular meetings on how to best market to you and I and how to provide advertisers with valuable lists of "targets"). I'm not sure, the service is what it is cracked up to be, so be careful. It looks like it may work for people only getting AT&T books, however, their is a cost. The cost is giving your detailed information to the marketing A-holes who already send unsolicited 10 lb books to your doorstep. If you don't have a landline with them, they don't know you, they just know your address. Do you really want to give those people your name to go with the address and an email to contact you from now on? All they need to know if they were out to "protect the environment" is there an address at ______ where we don't want your books on our doorstep anymore. Anything else is just marketing research buried in anti-marketing. Clever devils. The environmental aspect makes me want to register, but the distrust of these marketers makes me not want to register with them. I'm just saying, consumers beware... if there is no product, you are the product. If these folks wanted to just put books where they are wanted, they would allow people to "Opt In" instead of collecting our information and making us "opt out." 


Before going to the opt out site, you should read THIS.

I went and am now opted out from my address under a false name, with the email address I give out to all a-hole marketers and other people who don't really need my email address. The phone number I was required to provide is for a weather/time service. You do have to have an email address you have access to in order to confirm your registration. I set up one long ago with a pseudonym and incorrect info that I only check for such occasions. I'd recommend that course for anyone who doesn't like giving out their real email for everything you sign up for so they can send you advertisements. We'll see if it works, or if I start getting new snail mail junk (though it will be hard to tell within the current barrage). 

Mother's Day... A collective card from Dad Bloggers everywhere.

Update: the original article was rerun in the Good Men Project as well. 

When I think about the fact one of the best mothers on the planet agreed to work while I stay home with the kids, it makes me want to be a better Dad, a better husband and a better man. The love and encouragement my wife can deliver to another human amazes me and when she focuses those gifts on her children it lights them up in very special ways. You can almost see them grow in strength and confidence when she smiles at them. For me it can heal a bad day, dissipate self-doubts, and refuel my passion for giving our children the best start we can muster. Her sacrifices of time and work do not go unnoticed and her willingness to truly play whatever roles are necessary for the success of our team, our family, is a model for all parents (especially me). My co-chief, my parenting partner, my wife and my love, Vv, I wish you a Happy Mother’s Day.

Thanks to Scott Behson of Fathers, Work & Family (where the cards below first ran) for putting this together. Here are the cards from all the Dads (I get to put mine first on my page, hehe)

..

..

Eric from Dad on The Run. dad-on-the-run.blogspot.com

My Mother looked life’s greatest obstacles in the eye and kept on trucking while I grew up with little understanding of that. Over the years Mom’s physical abilities have deteriorated due to her ongoing battle with MS. However, her mental steadfastness and unconditional love have remained unchanged. Her love is an anchor during any storm and it taught me what love could be and what I could find in a wife, which brings me to another great mother in my life. The love and encouragement my wife can deliver to another human amazes me and when she focuses those gifts on our children they light up in very special ways. Of course, I also have to thank my wife’s mother for raising not one, but two, fantastic Mom’s and I look on with pride and great expectations to my own sister who is a new Mom this year!  Thank you to these mothers, and all great mothers, for what you do for your children and the world every day.

-Eric

Scott Behson. Fathers, Work and Family blog. www.fathersworkandfamily.com

You know how revved up Nick gets on nights you come home late and he gets out of bed, hides/jumps out to surprise you, runs around like a loony, and can’t get enough of cuddling and laughing with you? I feel that way too.

Happy Mother’s Day to the best wife and mom I could imagine. You have given me the gifts of true love, the amazing life we’re building together, and of fatherhood. I can never repay what you have given me. But I’ll spend every day trying.

Concretin Nik. DadLabs.  www.DadLabs.com

“Mother is the word for God on the lips and hearts of all children.” – Eric Draven

The greatest thing that’s ever happened to me is a direct result of the second greatest thing that’s ever happened to me, TheBoy&HisMother. I love you both. Happy Mother’s Day!

James W. Naturally Daddy. http://naturallydaddy.blogspot.com/

“Who ran to help me when I fell, And would some pretty story tell, Or kiss the place to make it well? My mother.” -Ann Taylor

Mom, you taught me too much to explain all of the happiness that you brought into my life. To my wife, you are a very special woman and I could never imagine being in your shoes and our daughter could never have a more loving mother.

-James

 Jeff T, http://ayyobeafather.wordpress.com

Happy Mother’s Day to four special women: To my mother, for unconditional love always, no matter what I ever did or said. To my mother in law, Nana, for the love and support. Seeing RJ with his Nana warms my heart. To my grandmother, matriarch of our family four generations strong, and enough love in her heart for many more. And lastly to my wife. RJ and I are so blessed to have you in our life.

Scotty Schrier, Dads Who Change Diapers http://dadswhochangediapers.com/blog

There are only 26 paltry letters to describe the most important women in my life:  The one who gave birth to me and left this plane before meeting my sons.  The one who married me and gave birth to the two most amazing little miracles I have ever seen.  And the one who took my mother’s place and made me one of her own.

There are no words that can describe the debt I owe these women. I only hope that my actions can show them how much I truly care. For without them, I would be but a pale image of the man I am today. I love each and every one of you with all of the ferocity of a thousand suns. Thank you for putting up with me and loving me back. Especially when I didn’t deserve it.

Victor Aragon Jr of Fandads.com

This Mother’s Day is going to be a special one, because it will be our first one with our new addition.  Last year, my wife worked and our plans with family members fell apart, so it wasn’t a good one for my wife.  This year, I am hoping to erase that memory and hopefully have a great one.  My wife and I have known each other for over sixteen years.  In those years it seems like even with our ups and downs, we are constantly getting to know each other and our love keeps getting stronger.  I am thankful for having her in my life and for all the hard work that she does for me and the little ones.  Thank you for all you do babe, I love you.

There is another great woman in my life that if wasn’t for her I wouldn’t exist; my mother.  My mom is a strong woman and I am very thankful for all that she does for my family.  Even though I am not her little boy anymore, my mother still insists on giving me money for gas or to get something for my little girl.  My mom and dad have always gone above and beyond for my sisters and me and I feel that I am trying the best that I can to repay them for everything they did.  I would like to thank my mother for all her sacrifices and to tell her how much I love her.  Thanks Mom.

As always, thanks for reading.

Victor

DorkDad from DorkDaddy.com www.DorkDaddy.com

Because of the way you move through the room. Because of the way your smile sounds on your voice. Because every single curve on your body is in exactly the right place. Because of the way your hair smells and the way it tickles my face.  Because of the twinkle in your eyes when you’re making mischief, and the look on your face when you’re asleep. Because of the feel of your heart and the warmth of your skin when you’re holding me. Because of the magic you made with our children, and the magic you make with our family. Because everything I love about my life I can trace directly back to you.

Thank you.

Happy Mother’s Day.

Dave Lesser, Amateur Idiot / Professional Dad, www.amateuridiotprofessionaldad.com

A Mother’s Day Haiku

Mother’s Day is here.  I forgot a card again. Glad I’ve got a blog!

Mom, I love you. I don’t say it often enough, but you’re awesome. You did an outstanding job raising me (and those two other dudes who kind of look like me).

Allie, what can I say? You’re an unbelievable mother and an amazing wife. This whole family would be lost without you. Literally. I just cannot follow the turn-by-turn directions on my phone without you in the passenger’s seat. Again, this is not a metaphor. Well, maybe it is a little. I’m an idiot. But I’m your idiot and you’re stuck with me. You and the kids are my world. Thank you for everything, everything you do. I love you a super friggin’ jillion much!

Happy Mother’s Day!

Neal Call. Raised by my daughter. http://raisedbymydaughter.blogspot.com/

I just want to say a humble thank you to my mother, my wife, and to all women who bear or nurture these little seeds that bring purity and wonder into the world. The “bearing” part is pretty awesome and mind-boggling, but at least as important is the part involving raising these creatures; of sacrificing what you want for what they need; of protecting them so desperately and then encouraging them to spread their wings. These are things that anybody can do, male or female, but I’ve learned the most about them from the women in my life. So, thanks.

Jeff Bogle, from the internet. Specifically, but limited to: OutWithTheKids.com

My ability to find the perfect set of curtains for the dining room and my knowledge of how to wash them and hang them damp to dry without creases. My need to vacuum my way out of a room. And my dry humor that has served me, mostly well.  Most of what people like about me, I am because of you. And to this day I enjoy talking with you on the phone almost daily, even when it is you calling me because you, once again, cannot figure out how to properly interact with technological devices. I love you, Mom, more than I’ll ever be able to write down, because even though I string sentences together every day, for some kind of living, I have yet to be able to find the correct combination of letters and words to form the single sentence that does you justice. Thank you for everything, Mom.

James Rohl, Portland Dad, Trophy Husband, and favorite son, http://sahdpdx.com   

Thank you mom for showing me how to be radically hospitable, fiercely loyal, and emotionally available. I am thankful to call you my mom, and proud to call you my friend. Happy Mother’s Day.

Colby Shipwash from Days of a Domestic Dad: DaysofaDomesticDad.com

You hug, you play, you teach, you love; you are their Mom and friend forever.

To my loving wife, and mom to our children, I want to thank you for being a wonderful mom all the time. A day doesn’t go by that I am not grateful for you, and that our kids are lucky to have you in their life.

Thank You and Happy Mother’s Day

Robert Duffer, Editor of Dads & Families section of The Good Men Project

Because you built a lego racecar ramp in our basement that would’ve made the Pinewood Derby and MacGyver proud,

Because you made your own pinata, your own decorations, your own party for 30 first graders,

Because your daughter handles a hockey stick like you, laughs like you, smiles like you, needs like you, plays like you, cares like you, loves like you,

Because you fly home when your grandparents are ill,

Because you adventure, you explore, you inquire,

Because you love without condition, and you care without self,

You are the most wonderful mother, a role model, a hero.

Love

Happy Mother’s Day everyone!!!

Give Me Food Now...

The great news is Vv took J Bean to a swimming lesson this morning and Link decided to sleep to an unheard of 9:30am. I was out until he woke me up. Problem is, when Link sleeps that long he wakes up hangry like a starving velociraptor. Its all I can do to get a banana and some avocado cut up before he starts eating the furniture or my leg. Usually, I give him some reflux meds and try to make him wait another 20 minutes (which is recommended for best effectiveness). Let's just say, I didn't make him wait this morning. His red-tailed hawk screams made it clear he would not wait, even after I gave him a sippy cup of milk and formula. Pretty sure if he could talk, he would have used the Teen Wolf voice (when Michael J Fox says he needs a keg of beer) to tell me to "Give me some food... Now."

Ah well, I tamed the beast with fruit and veggie scraps without losing a finger and even made some coffee. Vv and J Bean are still MIA, they must have run to the store for more food supplies for the in-house tyrant here. Have a great weekend Parenting Partners!